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Sunday, 04 October 2009
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Today we have Today
Greet me of Peace!
I often think about you and I know that you are just lurking somewhere behind.
I always wonder when and how you will take me.
Who will I be then? What will I do--will I plead for another time or come with you right away?
I want to live. Maybe you have to show yourself to me again to remind me how.
Most of the time, I find myself staring at the clock, wanting to speed things up.
Waiting for that hour, that last hour-- whenever that is, of my life. To me, you are a train a lightyear too late. But when I see you in others, I feel that you've been too hasty to reconsider. Maybe you're getting the wrong persons. I'm not really sure if I'm ready had I been asked to trade places with them. But I am running out of reasons to be here. Don't think of me an ingrate.
Saturday, 22 August 2009
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THERAPEUTIC shit.
Somebody should kill me. seriously! seriously....seriously....SERIOUSLY! I could kill myself. I wish. But i don't have energy to do that. So I am this passive slob absentmindedly crossing the street hoping for some dumb truck to hit me dead. **BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR** I!!!! K!!!! R!!!! But it's really how I feel! I know all the rational shits that they feed: Life is beautiful, be thankful, it's a choice blahblahblahblah. (sighs). BUT I just want to choose to BE DEAD. I FEEL that I am not alive anyway.
I want to complain, to curse BUT it's useless. I know it's just useless!
I HATE MYSELF.
...for not being that weak to commit suicide
...for not being that strong to be a better person.
FYI: I've been to a "very meaningful and memorable" retreat just a week ago. *WHAT HAPPENED?*
What happened?
Honestly?
I don't know.
Sometimes I think that a separate realm exists in my mind and it whatever happens to it affects me gravely.
***
MY Sweet sweet temper!
Why is it so so so MUCH easier to be kind to OTHERS than to all of YOU!
I am really a good person but why do I feel like I always have to prove it TO YOU?
I want to be very understanding, patient, sincere, thoughtful TO YOU But one can't give something she doesn't have. *Go Figure*
I want to be your role model, pillar of strength and all those things. But I always feel that you are so much keen brandishing the imperfections I KNOW I have.
I AM REALLY SORRY! More sorry than i could ever tell you.
I feel this afflicting sorry whenever I realize that I am NOT enough
...ENOUGH FOR ME.
...ENOUGH FOR YOU.
Thursday, 30 July 2009
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RANDOM
I have a test in a few hours. AND... I seriously haven't reviewed anything YET! I slept the whole night. Gosh! Something's stressing me. (not acads) and I think I'm "somatizing" (somatization--physical manifestation of a psychological stress---something like that.) I had tension headache yesterday and I think I slept some five-ten minutes WHILE taking that Bioethics exams. I wonder why I'm always sleepy. I want to sleep a whole day off--a SCHOOL DAY!
Thanks to Machang for listening. Somehow made me feel light.
I am overwhelmed by all the things I need to do and want to do. I can't find myself in the things that I do.
IT'S NOT ME!!
I haven't been myself lately.***Motivation: kick me!I had poem in mind. Had it been written, it would be entitled: Frailty. It would basically be about wanting to go, needing to let go but still holding on. someday, I'll write it. some freakin' day.***I try to leave the past behind. I walk away from it only to find out, when I am already so far ahead, that there's a chain on my left foot attached to it. I try to convince myself that it doesn't matter. But I can see the scars in my palm and I know that I dug my own flesh.***"Do More (to be) Be More". IT is not like that! I AM even without...even with less. I AM still.
This is a new realization that I have to prove to myself. I AM WHOLE--undiminished. Even without--- even when---
...even when I think and feel that I am broken.
I don't have to do anything to assert my worth. BECAUSE I have inherent value equal to everyone else's
even when---
even without---
EVEN IF---
I am whole...undiminished no matter what I did or was done to me.
AND I just have to believe this.***Med is no longer a be-all end all of my career. Funny, a 45 minute self awareness session would make recondsider the dream I hold dear for almost my entire life. It's a long explanation.Next enrtry, perhaps. But to cut the long narration short, it's all about my feeling of inadequacy. Compensatory mechanism, perhaps, toappease the insecurity: I AM not SMART.***But in the meantime, I have to be Smart. I have to be competent in and by the best way that I could. I'll take care of people, see! LIFE. And I always pray to God to PLEASE. make me worthy to care for the sick people entrusted to my care. that no one be harmed in anyway because of negligence and/or incompetence on my part. Give me confidence--ALWAYS to carry out my interventions especially when circumstances get tough. PLEASE not make my flaws hinder me from giving the care they deserve.
Back in my first year, I made a bargain that: "since You know naman everything, if You can forsee that I will kill somebody someday because of negligence/incompetence, don't make me pass through the cut-off" I passed the cut-off and I think it's saying something. The words had been different since: " don't make me pass the board exam if You can forsee that I will be negligent someday." But because I spent four years studying in college, I am duty bound to pass the board exam AND not be negligent. There's a different prayer now: "PLEASE. BE WITH ME. ALWAYS." so that I will be guided in all the decision that I'll do. so that when patients reject me, I will not take it personally and still see You in them. so that I will have the strength and wisdom to confront some demi-god doctors when I know that they're NOT doing good to the patient.--my patient***
Wednesday, 03 June 2009
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Currently
One Tree Hill - Music from the Television Series, Vol. 2: Friends with Benefit
By Original Soundtrack
Feel this
see relatedFree Flow.
There's some vague scientific research I heard on a talkshow that rainy days mess up with a person's serotonin level and cause us a bit of depression.
But I have been feeling this way all summer. EVERY summer. In my case, it's definitely NOT just the rain.
(Cerin, 2009)
FREE FLOW: (minsan lang to!!!)
Marami talaga kong gustong gawin nitong summer eh. Pero ewan hindi ko nagawa eh. Tinatamad, kulang sa resources, hindi nakahanap ng resources, nakatulog, naoversleep, may bagong kinaabalahan etc. etc. REasons! reasons! I'm so frustrated na hindi ko nagawa lahat ng yon! Much so much frustrated more than i can express. (I can express it actually, if I can kill myself and wake up the next day to take care of my own funeral.) Not having achieved those goals left a big dent on my confidence. and I seriously can't proceed without it!
School is about to begin. New goals have to be made. But i can't trust myself anymore to make those goals. Afraid that, like these unmet summer goals, they will just end up in my ever growing piles of frustration.
I hate myself for it. for not having the energy. the guts. the will. the drive! Minsan, i wish somebody will point a gun at me to make me do all the things that need to be done. But then I wonder, will that really motivate me? Baka titigan ko lang yun sa mata and say: "SIGE Go! pasabugin mo ulo ko! suportahan taka!"
hahahaha! Hindi ako morbid! natatawa lang ako. kahit sa sarili kong mind ang comic non!
Gosh! baka siya na rin matakot sa ulo nalang nya pasabugin ung baril nya! BAM!
Downward spin shit. Parang may mabigat na chain sa mga paa ko na naglilink sa one failure to another. past to present. yesterday to today. And i seriously can't move. Oh, of COURSE I CAN MOVE. But not without tremendous effort. Tapos when it feels like i finally made five steps ahead with those ardouos steps, parang mas mabigat na. I slip and fall back. And it makes me think: is it worth it? eh babalik lang din naman ako ulit eh. mahahatak lang din naman ako pabalik eh.
i wake up at 12 nn. to sleep again at 2pm. and then wake up at 4 to check all accounts i have in the internet. and dawdle a bit. then play FarmTown until maharvest ang trees ko. until may maghire sa kin until matapos kong iplow ang isang buong acres until maayos ko ang farm ko until mabenta ko mga harvest ko until 7pm na ng gabi and I have to eat already and rest and check my facebook for any new updates. until I realize it's already 9pm. it's only then I can see that the room needs cleaning, my cabinet needs some organizing, my clothes have to be arranged, my school stuffs need to be prepared, my caps need to be laundered, the photo album needs to be preserved, my first aid kit needs to be completed, my notes need to be reviewed.and that Nanay must've been tired doing all the work all day while i bum around. and when I realize all these things, It's again 12 midnight the day has ended.
it's time to sleep again. to catch up on sleep that i only FEEL i lack so I will wake up again late the next day. and the cycle continues.
this is pretty much how i can see my dying years. REGRET. nakita ko lang na marami palang bagay dapat na nagawa ko kung hindi ako nagfocus sa mga failure sa mga tapos na. kung sanang I had been grateful for each day given to me. And what better way to express gratitude for a gift than to use it well.
PLEASE GOD! i don't care anymore if you void my freedom and will. . gawin nyo nalang akong puppet. o sige, hi-tech, robot nalang: input=output. just make me useful! I miss feeling tired yet fulfilled at the end of the day. the hell! think about it?
when was the last time i felt that?
UP
STEP
*******
FEEL THIS
Bethany Joy Lenz-Galleoti
Ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
It's gotta be this one,
You don't have to fake it
You know I can take it
What if I told youyour tears haven't been ignoredChorus:
And everything that was taken can be restored
Feel this
Can you feel this
My heart beating out of my chest
Feel this
Can you feel thisSalvation under my breath
It's gotta be disguised
Soul and script
Chord and the lyricsWhat if I told you that innocence is yoursBefore
And the beauty you have now is brighter than before
Chorus
Ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahLet go, let go and believe, let go, let go andAh-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
It's gotta be this one,
You don't have to fake it
You know I can take it
What if I told you your tears haven't been ignored
And everything that was taken can be restored
Chorus:
Feel this
Can you feel this
My heart beating out of my chest
Feel this
Can you feel this
Salvation under my breath
It's gotta be disguised
Soul and script
Chord and the lyrics
What if I told you that innocence is yours
And the beauty you have now is brighter than before
Before
Chorus
Ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Let go, let go and believe, let go, let go and believe, let go, let go and believe, let go
Chorus
believe,let go, let go and believe, let go
Chorus
Monday, 01 June 2009
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G.U.I.L.T.Will a person be so much better without it?
It's a call of a conscience crying--
a reminder that something has to be rectified
But it's also the lure of that downward spin--
of being boxed-in
The center of guilt is I
There's more to life than just that.***********______________________*********
sutil_06
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- Name: Carmela
- Country: Philippines
- Metro: Manila
- Birthday: 3/6/1989
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 2/12/2005
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I'm 5'9 tall and basically the most sought after bachelorette in a 1ft radius.
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